I Should've Cheated

I hate how shit always comes up out of the blue and fucks up how far you've come from getting over a situation. I have come so far in getting over the fact that my ex cheated on me. My emotions are strong, persistent, but also very fragile. I was fucked up over the situation.
He cheated the summer before we got to college, I found out the end of the first semester, and we broke up the beginning of our sophomore year. I realized today I'm still not over it. I'm actually really bitter about it in a secretive way. No one would ever realize that they hurt, but I'm human and in fact get hurt a lot, and I'm starting to become more open about it.
So how do I feel? Honestly, speaking if I ever ran into any of the GIRLS...yes girls...I will still fight them. Not because they are at fault which they weren't because they didn't know about me until he was about to conveniently leave them and be with me, but because it will make me feel better, and in my eyes I am the only person that matters in the situation. I fought him already, maced him actually, and I'm still pissed. Why? The girls are still in the picture. Even though I don't know to what extent it still hurts like shit.
Being the psych major I am I know why which makes it a little easier for me to cope with. I had, have, always will have trust issues. I just do, that guard that everyone puts up to keep from getting hurt, my shit is impenetrable. But he got through. How I have absolutely no idea, but I will find out lol. Then he fucked me up. (I curse a lot when I'm speaking of real, true feelings about myself...I apologize if your offended) I've been cheated on before...which honestly I just don't understand...like I really don't...and up until now I haven't come up with any possible explanation but greed...absurd. I'm venting now...listen if you want. =) But really, I cook, I'm clean, never been pregnant, no STD's (nor have I ever had one), I'm pretty, smart, confident, easy to talk to, open about pretty much anything (except cheating), I can hold my own, I'm good in bed lol (might sound skanky but honestly we all know that it matters so hell...I'm good and I know it), the list goes on and they are all honest, true characteristics. Yet, you still feel the need to stray away from the goodness you had. Hmppphhhh...I just don't understand?!
Thanks for letting me vent...but back to the complexities of my mind. After I found out, I was left with nothing to hold on to because as you remember my guard was down and somewhere chilling with my feet...nowhere near my heart where it should have been. You know how your mind and heart feel different things...I struggle with that everyday. It should be an illness honestly...so for my heart's stupid actions, my mind has to teach it a lesson. So I feel the need to accurately depict every action, thought, interruption with my phone calls and texts to know what he did that entire summer. Fucked up isn't it? Now I have these vivid accounts of sex in the back of the car, and "caking" put in to fuck these bitches. Like really tho? BETRAYAL to the fullest.
I want to say whatever but we all know that would be a lie, I'll probably never get over it, but it's getting a little easier to deal with. I'm a fantasy thinker...like I honestly want a fairytale ending in life, and I found it with him. I probably could have still had it had I stayed with him. But, when I perceived it in the beginning it didn't involve him cheating on me, so I couldn't stay.
I must say that although I'm hurt and all that stuff...I don't hold guys accountable for past people's faults...GREAT...anymore cause I don't feed into the hype that all men are dogs; they really aren't. They just have fucked up control issues lol. If they get that in tact women and men would be at peace.