Not Gonna Lie to Myself

As much as I want to suppress my feelings and act like it's not bothering me, Man is still running through my head. I've never been rejected before until like two weeks ago, and I don't like it one bit. It sucks lol. I realize he might actually be reading this but honestly I don't care because I've never been one to hide my feelings; he was the only exception. I have a habit of daydreaming. I tend to take things and turn them into beautiful little fairytales in hopes of living them out. Sad, naive, whatever you'd like to call it, yes I am a convict of it. I plead guilty. It's so much fun honestly lol, when your in class, or when your bored; that's when I tend to started daydreaming. Daydreaming however has a tendency to make you blend reality, and fiction. So when reality hits your ass in the face, you come crashing down to the ground in fascination and confusion. Like what the fuck?! I just don't understand.
So yeah, I've been happy nonetheless, I kicked the whole feeling incomplete without a "friend" to the curb a long long time ago. I just really liked, appreciated, welcomed the company lol. Got a little used to it; comfortable I should say, and everyone hates to be uncomfortable I sure do. But what was bugging me and continues to bug me is that I feel slighted. Like I didn't get a chance; but I realize that that mindset is from the heart of Jasmine. So I must admit it, because we all know the heart and the mind tend to think differently. The mind of Jasmine is saying he played you so move on; confusion in my little world.
Back to my chance, because I felt obligated to hide everything about me from him, I put on a front we'll call it, it wasn't me so how could he appreciate me when it was a front all along. Sucks doesn't it? Yes, it does.
Being in the predicament I'm in; being the one that got cut off if I could choose to move on I would, but I am an unideal person in an unideal world, so ideally that could never work. What is a girl supposed to do? My answer is be happy enjoy life, and don't wait for anyone. If a guy really wants you they will pursue you by any means necessary so don't get caught up in the ideal world you created for comfort.

Ms. Chelly...and those damn boys

So the song you hear now is from Ms. Chelly (that's her above lol). It's called "Took the Night" and I like it. Hot 97 always played it during the Rush Hour lol. It took me forever to find it, but I did and all is well haha. But yeah, it's a nice riding, party song I listen to it on the way home from work. On the way to the club, whenever I feel like getting excited haha. So yeah, anywho it's one of those songs where people either love it or hate it. It's good for certain occassions. The artist to be honest looks very second rate. Like I could of did this song; not a lot of word, very basic haha. But, do what you do honey!!

Now onto boys...lol...what the fuck goes through their heads. Like really really? I'm at the point now where I just laugh at shit. There is absolutely no point in getting mad, or angry, and all riled up. Life is too short to be stunting your happiness. This girl right here comes with too many wonderful things to get mad over some boy who wants to play games. I'm not gonna front I still like you. Why I don't know...I really don't. Maybe cause I'm just so curious to see what could have happened between us, but yeah I can't put my time and effort into something that is not going to work out at all in my favor. What I don't get is that had it been any other dude I would have tossed in the trash way long ago. But I didn't, and now I'm getting fucked over.
Honestly, speaking I hate not being in control. That pretty much sums it up. I like to make the decisions and have everything go my way. So, I tried something new with him and took the passenger's seat to see if something different would happen. Now I'm mad, cause I didn't want this outcome but I have no say. I'M PISSED LOL!!!
still haven't gotten a call a text, an explanation or anything. Probably not gonna get one but it's cool after I allow myself time to just be mad, and hurt, and all the stuff your gonna feel when your emotions are involved I'll be good. That's one thing people have to know and understand, never should you stunt your emotions, it's very unhealthy to keep them bottled up. A week or so of venting is sufficient enough to release all the bad feelings so the happy ones can return.
The one thing about the whole situation I don't understand is why everyone else around me knew what the hell was really going on except me. Like honestly, if your having second thoughts about someone tell them, not other people who aren't in the situation. Personally speaking I hate bad surprises, hypothetically speaking I would much rather for a guy to tell me he cheated the to have me find out on my own. No he didn't cheat but the example helped portray my opinion on honesty between guys and girls. If you were to just be honest and upfront to me instead of your friends, I would have had more respect and empathy. But you chose to fill my head up with stuff you thought I would like to hear, instead of what you wanted to say. (Why am I talking straight to you lol...this is supposed to be a story) And then I can't even really stress the whole thing cause we weren't even going together. I want to, but when I really sit and reflect it's like damn ya saw each other how many times...talked when...it didn't even look serious. Like damn, with all this shit we might as well had been dating. I feel like it would have made a little more sense; at least in my head. Anywho, yeah I think I'm a just take the loss even though I don't want to. I am not for making someone be where they rather not reside.

I really like this...

I love when I can personally relate to things that weren't intended for me directly. Cause I can act like they were haha. So yeah, I heard this dude on hot 97 way long ago when they were playing his a milli remix. Back when a milli was hot. But yeah, I really liked it so when I heard this (once again on hot 97) I fell in love. Like who doesn't like college. I was having a wonderful time in Atlanta. This song basically summed up my life (I maintained that G.P.A. tho, don't get it twisted.) But yeah, this dude is straight...living it up...enjoying life. That's what it's all about isn't it?

Of course I was going to blog about it...

If you really want to know what's going on in Jasmine's life all you have to do is read my blog. That's why it's a personal blog. But yeah, yesterday I received a message and video from somebody. Kind of threw me of guard cause he had made it quite clear that I wasn't going to exist in his world anymore. So yeah, while he still existed in mine when old stories came up and stuff of that nature...we didn't communicate with each other. It was a nice surprise I'm not even going to lie...not because I'm still in love, but because I hate losing friends. In all honestly, I've never really lost a friend per say, I don't call everyone my friend. That's a special title. Of course to keep life simple if were in public I'll throw the term around, but my real friends are pretty slim to none. But yeah, so he sent a message and a video blog expressing some feelings...and I returned the message. I'm done with the days f manipulation and all that..it gets really old and I'm really afraid it's going to bite me back in the ass. So I was honest...plain and simple...while I still care for him and think he's a pretty cool dude...I'm just not in love anymore. At this point in my life...love is pretty much overrated. I don't want it...I'm not ready to want it and I can't lie to someone just cause it makes them feel better. I guess were friends now...it wasn't very clear lol...but yeah I was pretty content with the way thinks unfolded. That's how my love life pretty much goes...mad crazy intense love...an intense and devastating breakup...huge aftershocks that take blows at my mind...and somewhere down the line I continue growing and we become friends. It's only happened twice but twice is enough for me. I obviously go about relationships incorrectly so I'm stopping and dropping old habits. So yeah, if we really are friends I'm happy. Cause who doesn't want a good friend around. =)

Falling...

I like this song...I like the video. I love JHud...I teared up during her acceptance speech, and after her song on the Grammy's. This song makes me realize how sick I am lol. Well not really sick, but so in love with love. Like that shit really fascinates me. While I shoulb be doing my econ homework since I have class at 7, I have otherwise chose to eat shrimp while I blog. Pretty nice day off I must admit...relaxation at it's best. I went running yay Jasmine...went shopping online...I have to drop it...visited some people..and got some much needed sleep YES!!!!
Back to love...like while I'm scared of it deep down inside (now the world knows cause I've never ever said it before) it fascinates the hell out of me. In it's truest form of course. Like that unconditional love, that no one ever really finds...I'm going to find it (much later in life of course; I couldn't handle it right now...I'd run away haha). But yeah, when I think about life and love I realize that we as humans experience every type of human relationship possible, in normal circumstances, except an intimate, emotional relationship. So, in a philosophical sense we are incomplete as human beings unless we experience an intimate, love filled relationship. No that does not mean I walk around looking for love, cause I never have it sort of just happens, but I realize I've never actually experienced love in it's truest form and I want to. Plain and simple.
I love the feeling of falling for someone. Like all the butterfly shit, and how you think of them all the time, and all that extra gooey stuff, as much as I put on a front I like it it's fun. I just tend to sop falling miraculously somewhere deep into the relationship, and my feelings go away for the person. I feel like true love is when you and your special someone can keep that feeling of falling forever. You just continue to hold each other up forever lol. Sounds really cool.
I think like this because I believe that there is one person set up for you in life...you just have to find them. Some people will, and some people won't. I believe it's the people that don't sit around and sulk, and learn from previous failed relationships that find there soulmate in the end. Cool stuff if you ask me. You realize why the person you were with dropped you, and what you need to look for in your next relationship to keep you from making the same mistake. But you can't become fixated on it however. Even though I just gave an in-depth outlook on my view of love it doesn't mean I'm dying to experience it...life is so much more than that!!!

I hate the grey area!!!

This is probably going to be one of the most elementary blogs I have ever posted. I wasn't going to for fear of someone seeing it, but honestly who cares. I'm really serious about being upfront from now on. So I like this boy, but I don't really know how he feels about me. I mean I know he is attracted to me..but what the hell does that do for anybody. I feel like I'm a science project sometimes...being studied and all that, when I just want to have fun and enjoy myself. Why all the extra business to figure me out...especially when you can never give a girl your all anyway, and marriage isn't even an option. Like I could understand if I was a potential soulmate or something, but it doesn't even seem to be an option so why all the fuss lol. I might sound like a bitch...but I'm being honest. It just doesn't make sense to me, and I want to tell him but I can't I really just don't know...and since I've never really been rejected before I'm playing the game. (Which I usually do so I don't get played haha) But, I don't feel like it anymore...it's getting played out. I want something different, something less stressful, something more mature. Being scared and all that stuff just makes me feel like I'm stunting myself, and not being honest with my feelings. Why should I have to hold my feelings back for comfort of others. Why can't I just like you and it be accepted. It gets annoying after a while. I feel like I sound angry which I'm not. Just frustrated a bit because things aren't going like I want them to go. Which is ok because I realize I need to get the spoiled mentality out of my head because I'm bound to be disappointed a lot more in life, and over much more serious things. So, yeah I have this urge to just blurt everything all out but he's so quiet about everything I feel like I'm giving in. Muy complicado!!! I even talked to my mom about it, and she couldn't give me a real response. Well, I mean she gave me one but I won't repeat it haha. I've talked to my friends about it, and even they're confused...so I'm kinda starting to realize that it's not me for once. After this blog however I'm letting it ride honestly because I have been giving it too much of my time lol. I have much more serious things to be worrying about like am I really going to graduate from Spelman College?

Pretty Interesting...

This week has been pretty interesting to say the least. I started my job on Monday. Which by the way is the most ghetto job I have had thus far. So I'm an administrative secretary at Irvington High. Growing up in Westfield you are not accustomed to metal detectors, and security guards all through the hallway. It's a little weird. Then you have the got damn boys. The ones who just have to yell at you from down the hallway because they think your a new student. How in the hell do you try to convince some 18 year old boy that you work there when you look like you should be in their class with them. I'm too old for them (not gonna lie tho some of them are really cute lol), but not old enough to try to act all extra grown. Hmmphhh!! I'll just have to deal, and upgrade my closet to some adult looking clothes haha...maybe that'll help lol. JK!! Never that, I'm not changing my ways. I guess I'll keep the job tho, they pay a pretty little penny for me to just basically walk around all day, answer phones, and file papers. (BENEFITS too...hells yeahs!!)
It's Friday the 13th tomorrow...what does that mean. Some crazy shit is bound to happen in my life tomorrow. Full moons, and weird little days like tomorrow do not blend well with my life. I'm still here tho so once again...I will deal.
Then, there's the big V-day. For the first time in my life...I am actually single and alone. WOW!! Who would've thought, and while I could have a valentine I don't. Not feeling that bad either. I never understood the people who sulked in misery dreading this day, and I still don't even with me being without a valentine. It's a little overrated especially for the people that only show or receive love on that one day. What about all the other days, I'd rather be alone on Valentine's Day and feel special the other 364 days of the year!! Great! But anywho, I'm semi-babysitting anyway so the girlies are spending Valentine's day together. Why shouldn't you be with the people you actually love on Valentine's Day. (it just makes sense)
On to something a little more juicier however. You ever say something to someone and you get a response, but when you leave and think about it you think you might have been misinterpreted? How in the hell are you supposed to bring it back up if days have passed? I think I'ma just bring it up anyway, even if it is like a month later...why?...cause I want to know!!
So basically I was having a convo with Man (who will prolly end up reading this and not even saying anything until I do lol...cool beans). I don't know why we were talking about it but we were talking about numbers in relation to sex. He realized mine went up a little asked when it happened and I answered. But I think I gave him the wrong answer. Might not sound like a big deal, but I do that often. I'll misinterpret a question a give a faulty answer based on that. Then it'll come back to bite me in the ass...which I hate. So that's why I want clarification lol. Clarity is bliss...I hate being in the unknown...which I pretty much am with him. It's cool though a little new for me and it keeps me interested I guess. I guess?!

Hell

So I'm getting ready to head back to Jersey today. Rhode Island was pretty cool I must admit. I would come back again. But anywho, last night my friends and I headed to the club. "Hell" was anything but. The club is called "Hell" and when I first heard it thoughts began to swirl in my head. Who in the hell would name their club "Hell", I know it's going to be horrible. But we went, my cousin, my ex, my friend from high school, all his frat brothers, and lil 'ol me. I had an amazing time.
To get straight to the point, my cousin, my ex, and I were the only black people in the club. I realized last night that white people party an entirely different way. Everyone is so carefree, and happy. I mean black people do it too, but I know everyone understands me when I say you just can't be yourself. You have to worry about the girl standing next to you eyeing your outfit, or the boy that is making sure you look good enough to dance with, and the other people just judging. Not that I care but last night I felt a different feeling from being in the club. I felt absolutely free, and in another place. No drugs were added lol, two long island iced teas tho. But regardless, I felt wonderful. Laughing, and smiling, and enjoying myself. I didn't even sweat my hair out. For the first time in my life I danced by myself for the entire night. Besides obvious reasons lol, I had fun without being attached to some boys crotch. I felt extra pretty because I knew everyone was watching me, and I wasn't being judged, just enjoyed. Real life eye candy. Pretty good night. I'm trying it at the next black party I go too. =)

Thinking...

So you know how sometimes you wish you could just up and leave somewhere in the spur of the moment. Well I did it, and it was wonderful. So I report to you now from Rhode Island lol. It's cool up here, I could never live but it is so nice to just get away. I plan on having this option when I get older. Like just go away for a weekend with the boo, and just chill, party, whatever you feel like doing. So I'm practicing right now haha.
So on the drive up we played my Ipod. Most guys don't enjoy my ipod because there's not enough rap on it, but since I only listen to it in the car, I fill it with what I'd like to call "car music". You know the music you put on when your trying to get faded on the way to the club, the music you play in the car when you want attention (everyone does it so don't make a face), the music you put on when your real chill, and the list keeps going on I have everything for every mood, but it is only used for the car. Well that's what we listened to and the playlist filled with deep meaningful music came on, and due to the state I was in lmao I started to think. Now that might sound like a good thing to man, but when Jasmine thinks she has revelations, she puts everything into or out of perspective, and last night was a revelation. A really good one.
I decided to do some inner-defining and I was able to describe myself verbally. AMAZING SHIT!!! I realized that as much as I think I don't have a grasp on life I do I just allow other people to have too much say on how I feel and how I express myself. Well not really say, but an influence.
I'm done. I was never raised to tell people what I think they want to hear. I can;t do it especially now, I don't even know how to lie anymore. I'm always so afraid I'm going to lose out on something if I'm blunt, but honestly who cares. I don't anymore. This doesn't mean I'm going to become a bitch or anything, I just feel like I'm slighting myself by holding back. I was meant to be free, and free I shall be. (That sounded cute)
Well tonight I will be getting faded, enjoying my little mini-vacation then returning home tomorrow so I can get ready for work. This week will be fun, I'm starting my new job this week, first real day of class on Thursday, a tentative date (is it a date? don't even know lol...hmmmm??) and then Valentine's Day.
Speaking of which this is the first one where I don't have a Valentine, and I know how everyone gets all sour and evil when they see other people all happy and stuff, but honestly what for? Why can't you be your own Valentine, cause in actuality you are the only one that can actually make you happy, and will never fuck up. So why not treat yourself. Mani/pedi appointment for Jasmine lol!!
Shit is better when you play your cards right!!!